Have you ever wondered why your feeling guilty as a parent?
Could it be that it is because what you did or didn't do has fueled a childhood memory and therefore given you that same feeling you had as a child yourself. One that maybe you had forgotten or brushed aside and now has surfaced reviving that feeling and making you feel bad. You might not even be able to put the two together but suddenly there you are feeling bad, feeling horrible and we feel it is guilt! Or could it be that you promised yourself as a parent you were not going to be like your parents or other parents that you scorned as a teenager but there you are doing the same thing or nearly the same thing. No one is perfect and it is not easy being a parent!
We can't always remember the things that hurt us as a child but our brilliant mind does and it works tirelessly to take us away from pain and towards pleasure. Therefore when something that hurt us in the past is triggered by something in the present, it allows that feeling to reemerge, but trys hard to protect us from the pain of the actual memory. This can be hard to deal with when you can't see what the trigger is. What you can be sure of in those curcumstances is that your mind has developed techniques and strategies to take you away from pain and towards pleasure. It doesn't care whether they are serving you today or not it is still using them. In an RTT (Rapid Transformational Therapy) session it is amazing what our minds remembers and how it chooses to serves us. All giving us explanations and therfore the knowledge that help us overcome triggers, get rid of blocks and change past beliefs or bad habits. It is only by finding out the root cause that we can, that we have any chance, of changing or transforming it.
In my role working with children
In my role of running children's nurseries I have done many a course on positive behaviour and other such subjects. I also did a course in helping children and adults with their mental health as thought that after the Covid pandemic that might be required. Then I enrolled and did the RTT training so I learnt about how to help people with various ailments, conditions, issues etc. Each time I would come away from the training thinking I should have done better or could have done more as a mother!! Why do we always have to feel so guilty! I was a single mother for 19 years of their lives and I always worried about the effects of our separation and being a single parent family might have on them. I was always wishing for my time again, to do things slightly differently. Always hoping that what I did do would not have been detrimental and given them any issues going forward. I'd also wish that I had been able to do all the things I wanted to with them
The thing is you can never be sure what others will take from events in their lives as we all experience things differently. How we each then deal with these events, how we feel or behave after them is also different. As we are all unique individuals. But what we can do as parents is talk to our children about everything so that we are always approachable and they know that they can come to us with any issues and problems. We can also help them cope with events and set good examples of coping with events ourselves. We can also watch that our children do not learn any bad habits or behavioural traits from copying us! We after all will have picked up some things from the adults around us! Don't you often think "I sounded just like my mother when I said that"! Or is that just me!
There has been lots of research done and this has concluded that anxious parents are up to seven times more likely to have children that suffer with anxiety. As it becomes a copied behaviour. They watch the way you react to things and begin to use those same coping mechanisms as they believe them to be right. The same can be said for other parental mental health issues in causing behavioural problems in children, as children find coping mechanisms for living with these issues. These are just a few examples of how our behaviour as parents and those of our parents and previous generations of parents can have effected us, our children and future generations to come. Let's not keep repeating the cycles. So as parents it is important that we try and overcome our own issues to avoid them effecting the next generations. There are lots of ways to do this, but RTT has a great success rate in being able to get to the root cause and transform lives very quickly, without having to be in therapy for years. If we care for ourselves correctly we are in a far better position to care for our children. Due to the deteriation of my relationship with my childrens father I had therapy for a year to try understand and overcome the emotional numbness I was experiencing. I wish I had known about RTT then.
The most important thing is:-
What we do have to remember though is no parent gets up in the morning and says today I am going to hurt, upset or effect my child! We want to make them happy, give them good lives, work with the tools and resources we have and show them we love them. But things happen, life is tough, how we cope or deal with events that occur, the stresses that ensue and we can't always protect the ones we love from suffering in the process or from events that happen to them. All we can do is try our best, be there for them, support them the best we can, get them help if required to enable them to fulfil their full potential and be good role models. There is nothing more important for both parents and their children than a healthy mindset and good mental health. Then maybe, just maybe, parents can stop feeling guilty!
If you are concerned about your child or would like help with something yourself or if you would like to find out more about how RTT can help please do get in touch. I would love an opportunity to chat with you and see how I can help. RTT is an amazing therapy and my missions is to have as many people out there #feelheapsbetter.